Stakeout Nights
by clueless in seattle
Summary: Chapter 6 : Stakeout VI : Ocean's Three...Goren & Logan are in trouble again.
1. The Stakeout

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…if you want something to do go tidy your sock drawer…it must be three hours since you last did it…I'm busy)_

_**It's two in the morning somewhere in a residential suburb of New York…**_

**THE STAKEOUT**

"Brrrr" said Bobby Goren getting back into the SUV, with faint white wisps coming from his breath as he shut the passenger door. "Trust us to get stakeout duty the coldest night of winter so far"

"I wonder why that is?" muttered his partner Alex Eames. "Who it was annoyed the Captain by correcting his notice about the Christmas leave arrangements? Royally pissed him off?"

Bobby wriggled in his seat a little and said quietly. "Say what you like Eames. Yuletide is spelled Y-U-L-E. Always has been and never will be Y-O-U-'-L-L the way he had it"

"Whatever" she reached for the thermos flask between them. "Want some more coffee Bobby?"

"No thanks" he replied. "Otherwise I'll need to be…um…again"

He reached for the radio "Ouch!!"

Eames had slapped his hand. "I'm not having any more of that that damned _narco corrido_ music Bobby" she snapped. "It's depressing"

"And if I can't have that, you are not tuning to that station plays only Whitney Houston and Celine Dion" Bobby responded petulantly. "I'm sure my hearing in the upper frequency ranges is permanently damaged already"

"Finish your crossword then" she suggested.

"I have" he was lining up the pencils and pens on the dash so they were perfectly symmetrical.

"You can borrow my _Cosmo _if you want?" Eames offered knowing the importance of keeping Bobby's mind occupied if his fidgeting was not to drive her crazy.

"No thanks. I read it last week. And did the quiz"

"Excuse me?" she frowned.

"I went to the dentist remember"

Bobby was taking the ball pens apart to see how much ink was left in the refills.

"And by the way my cool and emotionally detached exterior is a mechanism to hide my secret foxy nature. Just in case you were wondering"

"Been bothering me for weeks to know that" Eames muttered before she suddenly glanced up.

"What was that? Something moved?"

"Probably that ginger tom cat from across the street I tripped over just now…when I was…um"

"Wondered what that yelping noise was" Eames said. "Hope you didn't hurt him too much Bobby. You're a big guy and he's not a very big cat"

"That was me yelping Eames" he growled. "When I tripped over him, he let go the mouse he was toying with and I trod on that. Made a hell of a mess on my shoe"

"Aaaargh!!" screamed Eames as he waved a size 13 under her nose with what looked like lump of strawberry jam stuck to the side.

"Put your foot down! That's disgusting Bobby"

"What's disgusting Eames is that these are a brand new pair of $900 Roberto Cavelli's" Bobby grumbled.

"And they say women are obsessed by shoes" she scoffed.

"If you had feet my size to say nothing of that…um…thing with my right big toe, you'd understand the trials of getting comfortable footwear" he muttered. "Never mind at a price doesn't require a loan from the _World Bank_ each time I go shopping"

Eames turned to look at him "Yeah what is this thing about your big toe you keep going on about Bobby? Are there two or is it webbed or something weird like that?"

"No it is not" Bobby snapped. "It was an incident when I was in the Army. Involving my right foot and a small, armoured personnel carrier if you must know"

Eames tried not to giggle, "I reckon you were evenly matched. It was a fair fight"

"I wouldn't know" Bobby was drumming his fingers on the roof.

"When I got out of the base hospital it had been scrapped. That's why Uncle Sam refused me compensation" he paused. "They did agree to drop the charges against me though"

"Not all bad then" she said trying to see the upside.

"Only if you consider a lifetime of nightmare shoe shopping a bonus" he said glancing over his shoulder, before adding "Fancy getting in the back seat Eames?"

"What!!" she squawked before gathering her composure. "Is this your secret foxy side coming out Bobby?"

"No. Just thinking if you did that I would have the room to stretch out across both front seats and avoid the cramp" he was wriggling around. "This SUV's damn small"

"It's perfectly big enough for the average sized person Bobby" Eames hinted darkly. "And whose fault is it that our usual one is in the shop for repair?"

She began to get annoyed about that all over again.

"Once Bobby!" she barked. "The one time I let you drive and look what happened!"

"I warned you I was never much good at parallel parking" he said awkwardly.

"Bobby" Eames sighed. "You had half the apron at _JFK International_ to manoeuvre in and still managed to take out a Cessna and have that poor _El Al_ pilot on the runway convinced we were suicide car bombers"

"He made the take off didn't he?" Bobby muttered. "Very sturdy plane the 747. Credit to the Boeing Corporation"

"Just as well the day Flight 234 for Tel Aviv pulled the same G force as the space shuttle on take off" said Eames as Bobby shifted again his seat and began cracking his knuckles.

"Eeew! Stop that Bobby!" she ordered him. "Or I'll start scraping my fingernails down the windshield glass like I did last time"

"Please don't" he softly with a visible shudder. "We could play a game if you like. How about _"Who Am I?"_

"No. You always win" Eames pouted, "How about _"I Spy"_? Chance to test your famous powers of observation?"

"Sure"

"And I get to go first?"

"Okay" he shrugged.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with P" said Eames.

"That was quick" he startled, getting no chance to see where her eye line was tracking to get a clue.

"I'm observant Bobby" Eames said, "Whilst you've been twitching and fidgeting around with everything in arm's reach I've been paying attention to the situation"

"Really" he said sceptically before reeling off…."Pen, paper, pencils, parking permit, paper as in news or magazine as opposed to the writing sort"

"No" 

"You sure?" he challenged her.

"Bobby I'm not some half-witted suspect trying to get away with lying to you" Eames snorted.

"I guess not" Bobby drew breath. "Polystyrene as in the cup, pencil sharpener, plastic bag…"

"Hey just a minute" interrupted Eames. "If it was those things I'd have said _PC_ or _PS _or _PB_?"

"Well that's pretty dumb" snorted Bobby. "That makes it far too easy. The way I play _"I Spy"_ it's the only the first word you say the letter of. Leaves more options open"

"Never mind _"cool and detached"_ more uptight and poker up your ass" Eames hissed softly.

"Pardon?" asked Bobby. "I didn't catch that Eames"

"I didn't say anything Bobby" she lied.

"I told you one more playing of _"I will always love you"_ would damage my hearing" Bobby complained rubbing his ears. "I've probably got tinnitus now"

"Or a foxy hypochondriac" she murmured, before raising her voice to a normal level. "It's a single word Bobby"

"Okay" he glanced round "Panel, pedal, photographs, penlight, pacifier…I wonder who the hell had this car before us…Stabler probably…paperclip, pin, plan as in street map, pennies, um…"

"Give up?" asked Eames

Bobby gave her a hurt expression that she would even think of such a thing.

"No" he said before suddenly announcing "Pachyderm"

"What?" Eames frowned.

"The elephant on the key chain" he nodded towards the ignition.

"The name for large, thick-skinned animal. Like a rhino or a hippo or an elephant" he said triumphantly

"This is _"I Spy"_ Bobby" snorted Eames "Not _"Jeopardy"_ and you going for the top prize"

"And me" Bobby said sadly.

"What?"

"I meant I need to have a thick skin for some of the things you say to me at times Eames" Bobby said softly.

"Oh stop being a martyr Bobby" she snorted. "It doesn't suit you and you're just getting ticked you didn't guess it yet"

Bobby cleared his throat knowing that was the truth and took a deep breath.

"Pole, pavement, porch, pathway, packaging…people will drop their litter won't they…Pontiac, poplar, pine, phone booth…oh no I forgot this is the Eames variation…phone then, philodendron, poinsettia…"

"Where?" challenged Eames.

"Front window of three sixty-two _Miss Observant Knickers_" he said casually.

"Palings, portico, pot of the garden variety not the drug, potato or peelings…"

"Where Bobby?" she challenged again.

"It was what the mouse was eating before the cat got it and I trod on it"

He went to raise his right foot "You can check if you want"

"No thanks" Eames muttered.

"Pussy"

"Excuse me?" she bridled.

Bobby nodded "That ginger tom sat under the tree there. What did you think I meant?"

Twenty minutes later Bobby had exhausted his knowledge of astronomy. It was a clear night and Eames did not seem convinced by his assertion _"Oh come on…EVERYONE can find Pisces, Pollux, Perseus and Pherkad"._

"Pantograph, pterodactyl" he said.

"Now you're being silly Bobby" muttered Eames. "Where's the pterodactyl? Nesting in the philodendron bush I suppose?"

"No but before he went to bed and drew the drapes the kid at three sixty-two had model dinosaurs on the window ledge" Bobby sneered slightly. "Reasonable to assume a pterodactyl is amongst his collection"

Eames sighed "I wonder sometimes about you Bobby. This is what you can see. Not what you can reasonably deduce, infer or weave some theory about. And what's a pantograph?"

"An ancient device for enlarging pictures" Bobby explained, starting to gesticulate.

"You adjust the hinged arms have a scale on them and follow the lines of the original with a sort of pointer, whilst the pen or pencil…"

"Shut up" said Eames. "Can you see one? Or are you about to come up with some bizarre explanation why one of the residents probably has one? One, you still can't see incidentally?"

"No" Bobby said sulkily.

"Give up?" she asked hopefully, though dreading when it was his turn what Bobby might come up with.

"No. Can I have a clue?" he asked with the same sort of reluctance with which he might agree to having root canal work done without benefit of anaesthesia.

"One" said Eames shortly. "You are so damned perfectionist Bobby. Except when it comes to parallel parking anyway"

He glanced over at her. "I know" he said ruefully.

"I do have a sort of competitive streak to my nature" he gave her a little smile. "Must be my foxy side"

"Well just let me get out of the car next time you want to compete with a 747 for runway priority" his partner said. "One clue then. It's in the car not outside"

"Hmm" he said "Oh!! It's so obvious how did I miss it?"

"I was wondering" said Eames.

"Pants"

"No" she snorted. "But you are getting warm in that general area"

Bobby glanced down.

"Aaaargh!!!" he screamed grabbing for his crotch and his zipper. "Oh shit!!"

He was bucking off the seat trying to deal with what he finally realised the _"P"_ was. Except, as he wrestled with himself and his clothing in the confines of the small SUV, Bobby was getting into worse trouble.

"Damn!!" he howled as both his knees crashed painfully into the glove box.

"Ouch" he spat as his head hit the roof and the vehicle rocked ominously with his shifting weight.

"Oh that hurts" Bobby cracked his elbow on the window so hard it was just as well it was toughened safety glass.

"Aaaargh" he screamed again.

Thanks to his haste Bobby was sure fatherhood would now be impossible.

There was a final _"Oooch that stings"_ as he settled a little, knowing full well he'd now got an impromptu, unorthodox and partial_ "Hollywood"_ down the left side of his groin. Tears of tingling pain welled in the corners of his eyes as Goren clung to the grab handle and the parking brake. Against the ghastly stinging sensation and the terrible temptation to cradle and sooth all parts of his anatomy down there.

Bobby took a deep and shuddering breath.

"Eames" he croaked, "You let me sit here the best part of half an hour like that. Why didn't you say something?"

"It's always hard to know quite what to say to a guy in that situation" she said coolly like nothing had happened. "Especially for a woman"

"I would have thought it was very simple" Bobby swallowed hard and moved fractionally, wincing with every millimetre.

"Don't they have that sort of advice in _Cosmo_ or are they so fixated on G spots, acne spots and the latest night spots?"

"Dunno" she shrugged. "Maybe you should submit an article yourself? Tell women what cool and detached but deep down foxy guys wouldn't mind hearing. There's probably time to write it before our shift is finished"

"Maybe" said Bobby gritting his teeth with the discomfort and irritation.

"And maybe, if you had said something or just pointed I wouldn't now have a concussion, two broken kneecaps, a chipped elbow and an as yet unspecified number of injuries to my…um…you knows"

"Cured your tinnitus though didn't it?" Eames muttered, "I take it you worked out the _"I Spy_" answer then?"

"Possibly" Bobby hissed, finally wriggling himself into a seated position that wasn't excruciating

"Your turn then Bobby" said his partner "And I guess you learned one thing tonight"

"Which is?" he muttered

"Next time the Captain makes a spelling error on one of his notices. Leave the damned thing alone Bobby!!"

_**AN**____Bobby is "fine" now by the way…no permanent damage done…just a bit itchy…_


	2. Stakeout II : The Story of O

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…and that "Histoire d'O" is a French novel published in 1954 tells the story of one woman's sexual journey of the sado-masochistic type…and don't even go there bubba…)_

_**This is a different "Story of O" almost as painful and pleasurable at times. How one whimsical, idle thought became a "100 Word Drabble", became two and finally multiplied out of control…**_

**STAKEOUT II : The Story Of O**

_**1.13 am**_

"Oliver?"

"No"

"Oswald?"

"My parents voted for Kennedy" he muttered.

"Owen? Otto? Orlando?"

"I wasn't conceived at Disneyworld"

"Obadiah? Olaf? Who was Odin?"

"Norse god, Bestla's son…"

"Enough Goren!"

"Still no"

Silence filled the SUV parked on the street corner to observe the comings and goings from a gang-controlled pizza joint.

"Octavius?"

"You said that ten minutes ago"

"Osbert? Orson? I know Bobby! It's Oscar isn't it?"

"No"

"You deserved one for the job you did the other day"

"Thanks"

"Oral?"

"Maybe later…I mean…no" he blushed. "Can we change the subject Eames?"

"Good idea" his partner hissed.

_**1.43 am**_

Eames got a book from the glove box.

"Oberon?"

"Me? The King of The Fairies?"

"Guess not. Ozymandias?"

"_I met a traveller from an antique land_…"

"Stop showing off Bobby! Odd?"

"Insulting me now then?"

"It's Norwegian"

"I'm not"

"Onan?"

Goren's head whipped round. "None of your business"

"I said Onan. Not onanism. Before you ask? Yes I know what it means. I went to Sunday School"

"A more progressive one than mine"

"Odysseus?"

"No"

"Where are you going Goren?"

"On a short journey. Alone. To water the rear wheel"

"Ohmygod" Alex shrieked

"Wrong again" he slammed the car door.

_**2.19 am**_

"Orville?"

"No"

"Osmond? Bobby Osmond sounds good"

"I was in fourth grade when they got famous"

Alex picked up the names book again. "How about Orwell? I love _Animal Farm_. Cute story about the little pigs"

"It's political allegory. And I prefer _1984_" said Bobby reaching for the flask of coffee.

"You would Goren" she muttered. "Otis?"

"Excuse me?"

"Maybe you were conceived in an elevator?"

"Maybe you could die in this SUV Alex" Bobby growled passing her cup.

"Thanks. For coffee and the warning" she grinned. "Othello? Or should I be glad there's no pillow around?"

"Very" he laughed.

_**2.49 am**_

The SUV door slammed.

"Ten blocks to find somewhere open!! And restrooms not_ for customer use only_"

"Said to go into that alley" Goren murmured.

"It's different for women"

"A longer walk every time for one…" he paused. "Suppose I said Orinoco to you Eames?"

"I'd say you have my sympathy Goren"

"Was a fashion in my neighbourhood. There was another kid called that and a Rhone and a Rhine in homeroom" he shrugged.

"The O'Leary's started it. Called the twins Yangtze and Limpopo"

"Aaaargh!" he yelled grabbing his ringing ear. "That hurts"

Eames unrolled _Cosmo_ and began to read.

_**3.09 am**_

"Obedience?"

"Excuse me?"

"Like_ patience_? A personal quality name?" Eames said. "Except obedient wouldn't exactly apply to you Goren"

He said nothing turning _The Times_ to the crossword.

"Objective? Observant? Organised? You became all those things"

"Thanks Alex. But no, no and…oh yeah…no"

"Obsessive?"

Bobby glared at her from the passenger seat.

"Sorry. Original? That applies to you"

"Mmmm" he wrote paying little heed.

"Outstanding? Orator?"

"Back to flattery?"

"Opinionated?"

"I take that back"

"Ordinary? Outrageous?" Eames giggled. "Opposition?"

"That's it!!" Goren gasped.

"Shit!" Eames yelped. "They named you Opposition?"

"No. But sixteen down has to be _oppositional_"

_**3.23 am**_

"Origami? And before you say a word I know that's Japanese paper folding"

"I'd be called that because…?"

"Didn't say it was logical" she sniggered. "And you do look folded up in that seat Goren"

"Was I driving when we hit that Oldsmobile? And got us stuck with this kiddie car?" Bobby muttered fiddling inside his folder. "And I wasn't named for a vehicle"

"Would be _M _if you were. As in Mack truck" she murmured as confinement and boredom made tempers rise.

There was silence before he said "Here Alex"

Eames took Goren's perfect _"Flying Swan"_ feeling rather guilty.

_**3.31 am**_

"I know" said Eames "It's really a girl's name isn't it? Like Olive?"

"Only olives my old man knew were the ones in a martini" Goren said quietly.

"I know Bobby" She gave his arm a kindly pat. "Am I on the right track?"

"Something like Ophelia you mean?"

"Yeah. She drowned herself didn't she?"

"Matter of heated academic debate" he yawned. "But I would if I had that name"

Alex reached for the book.

"Oceana? Odette? Olympia? Octavia?"

"Oprah? Opal?" she giggled. "That's a gem"

The only response was soft snoring. She covered her partner carefully with his overcoat.

_**4.55 am**_

Eames woke to find herself covered with Bobby's overcoat.

"Morning"

"Ugh!" she sat up rubbing her eyes. "Anything?"

"No" he put _Cosmo_ on the dash. "But I know much more about ovaries"

Alex shot him a look.

"Don't go there Eames" Bobby growled.

"Where?"

"Suggesting my name must be oxygen, occipital, olfactory or oestrogen"

She laughed. "That stuff is your department. Though your age you'd be ripe for osteoporosis"

"I read that too. And the recipe for onion soup"

"Hmm…now you got me thinking"

"It's not onion, oregano, okra, orange or oxtail. Nor oyster, oatmeal, oriecchiete…"

"Shut up Goren!"

_**5.23 am**_

"Lift your feet Eames"

She complied with a sigh. "How many other cops take a car vacuum on stakeout with them? Or would use it?"

Goren finished cleaning and rolled the cable. "Anyone whose partner always leaves potato chip crumbs everywhere I would think"

"Hope you didn't flatten the battery like last time"

"That was my plug in torch" he muttered. "And I was reading Proust. Long sentences and no pictures. What's that Eames?"

"Essential equipment when someone insists on eating garlic bread" she growled spraying the scented aerosol liberally toward him.

Goren sniffed. "Lavender?"

"Uhuh. Orchid?"

"No"

"Oleander?"

"No"

_**6.15 am**_

"Osborn? No _e_"

"No"

"With the _e_? You like _Black Sabbath_ Bobby"

"Like most kids Eames. Only because my parents didn't"

"Orca?"

"That's a whale"

"So?"

"So be careful"

Rain began to lash down on the SUV as dawn broke.

She frowned "Where were you born Goren?"

"Not in Ohio or Oklahoma or even Omaha if that's how you're thinking"

"Damn" Alex muttered. "It was"

Silence filled the car for another ten minutes.

"Eames?"

"No!" she yelped. "Don't tell me!" I'll work it out eventually Bobby"

"I was going to say our shift ended forty minutes ago" Goren shrugged casually.

_**AN **__In case you were wondering…yes I have read the book…though being tied down to a stylistic form and a slave to the word counter was almost as weird…_

_**AN **__For those who may not know…no-one knows what the "O" really stands for. Story goes it was something Balcer/Wolf/VDO came up with while developing the character…though I think they've each given different versions of "why" at different times, citing homage to various film/literary sources. Personally I think they did it just to mess with the heads of FF writers. __**So if any of you 3 smart-asses are reading this…congratulations and thanks!!**_


	3. III : The Fox Terrier Strikes Back

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…of course the remote doesn't work…you put the batteries in the wrong way round…again)_

_**I have developed a fascination about what goes on between two people confined in a small space…and now I'm getting more time in the prison computer facility I'm better able to deal with it…**_

**STAKEOUT III : The Fox Terrier Strikes Back**

"One…two…three…four…yesssssss!" yelled Eames. "I win"

She swept the four remaining black chequers off the board, began to make_"horns"_ signs and wriggle in her seat.

"I beeat you and you haaate it! I beeeat you and you haaaate me!"

"Well done Eames"

"Hah! You might sound more gracious about it Goren"

"Well done it only took you six years to beat me"

"That's not gracious but whooohoooo!! Victory is mine!"

Her celebration got a little too enthusiastic as her hand clipped the board and it and the playing pieces flew into the air, scattering across the inside of the SUV.

"Now look what you did" grumbled her partner.

"Oh stop complaining. It will give you something to do later" she retorted.

"While I work out what must have got into you yesterday. Why you called Ross_'wrong and obnoxious'_ and got us sent out on stakeout duty. Yet again. In another God forsaken place"

Goren wriggled in the confines of the vehicle "Oh I don't know Eames. The sunset over the cement works and landfill site was quite spectacular"

"I didn't notice. I was trying not to think about what you were doing behind that burned out pick up truck over there"

"Look on the bright side. You won't have so far to walk yourself this time. And at least those vicious kamikaze seagulls are roosting now. Unlike when I was out there"

She laughed maliciously at the memory of how long it took Goren to sponge off his suit when he returned.

"Make sure you go again before sunrise" she snorted reaching for the flask of coffee.

"They say the early bird catches the worm and you wouldn't want them mistaking your…"

"Thank you Eames!" he snapped.

"Oh so we do secretly have a size issue do we?"

He held the cup for her to pour "No _'we'_ don't. Ross has though".

Eames almost dislocated her neck turning round "Been taking sneaky bathroom peeks?"

"No I have not!"

Goren paused "I was referring to his height. I…um…I think that among my…er…less well chosen words were the suggestion he's typical of short men"

"Everyone is short compared to you Bobby" she finished pouring the drinks. "What it is he? Five ten? Not exactly a midget"

"Maybe not. But that's one kind of six inches that does count"

She giggled "I do notice when Ross gets in your face you get in his. So he has to keep looking up at you"

Her partner laughed.

"Yeah each time he steps away to make the angle less acute, I move closer. Every conversation we have is measured in feet not minutes. I think the record is about forty-five. From the water cooler to the fax machine"

Goren took a sip of coffee.

"And by the way it's not all my fault we are here. Who was it he caught on that website called _Sensational Secrets_?"

"It was _Secret Sensations_ and anything I was buying was for Joanna's bachelorette party next month"

That wasn't strictly true, but Eames was hoping Goren missed her body language and eye movements in the gloom.

"Anyone tell Terry he's getting married yet?"

"Yeah. Joanne three minutes after she told him she was pregnant"

"Ah" Goren shrugged. "That explains it. Neither Mike nor I could work out why he was marrying her"

"Shows how smart you and Logan are then. And what do you have against Joanne? Never understood why you don't like her"

There was a momentary pause before Goren said quietly "Anything I had against her was over a long time ago Eames"

"Oooh yes!" Alex said gleefully. "I forgot she once worked _Narco._ Must have been the same time as you Goren. Had a roll around with her did you? When you supposed to looking for wacky rolling tobaccy?"

"I should have stuck to smoking it" he growled. "Might have improved our relationship"

He wriggled uncomfortably again and tried to stretch out his legs.

"Sit still. You fidget about so much Goren. And speaking of memory. Did you remember yet where you put the keys to our SUV? Meaning you kvetched ever since we left 1PP about having to use this small one"

"Oh they'll turn up somewhere" he replied airily.

"They said that about Jimmy Hoffa. He didn't"

"Not yet. Shall we do the quiz in _Cosmo_?"

"Why not?" muttered Eames clearing away the cups while Goren flicked to the right page and fiddled with his mechanical pencil.

"Question One. Your lover forgets your birthday. Do you? Get worried they must be about to break up with you? Sulk and deny them sex until they book a three-week holiday in the Caribbean? They never forget, I drop hints for weeks?"

"Where is the option for throw boiling water in his lap and go sharpen a rusty knife?"

"There isn't. And you are a C"

"No I'm not!" protested Eames

"What's this I found on my desk earlier then?"

Goren passed her a sheet of paper on which was written _"Only 60 shopping days left!"_

Eames thought rapidly and lied again.

"That's from last year. If you tidied your desk more often you would know that"

"Maybe" said Goren. "Maybe if someone got me one of those useful desk tidy things it would help? Someone who forgot my birthday, for example?"

"Still sulking about that are we? Better put yourself down as a B to that question Bobby"

"Okay. Number Two. How do you deal with disputes over the remote? I hide it? With extreme violence? I don't, I mostly live alone?"

"Has to be two C's…unless there is something else you forgot to tell me?"

"Not right now. With Katy, who liked all those dumb game shows, I used to fix it to my hand with duct tape"

Eames glanced at him. "If you keep a ready supply of duct tape no wonder Katy left you Goren"

"Question Three. How often do you fake it?"

"Move on Bobby!"

"Katy used to say that too"

Eames sniggered "I'll answer if you will"

"It's different for a guy" Goren muttered.

"Yeah the male excuse for just about everything. Question Four"

"You discover you have been cheated on. Do you? Go out and buy a sex manual, you must be doing something wrong? Try to forgive and get over it? Kick them to the kerb? There's no option involving rusty knives by the way"

"Pity. In that case it has to be C. You're an A"

"Why do you say that Eames?"

"Because I found a receipt for _Tantric Sex For Beginners_ in your wallet when you were dating that girl May" she replied coolly.

"For the record…May did not cheat on me, she was a Buddhist and went back to Japan. And why were you looking in my wallet?"

"We were looking for your library card at the time"

"Oh yeah" he said quietly. "That turned up by the way. I left it at the library"

"And I waited a year on the edge of my seat to find that out" Eames grumbled. "Can we eat now? Only reason I never killed you on one of these duties is the great picnic you make Bobby"

"Okay" he opened the car door.

Goren went to the back of the SUV knowing eating would give him some temporary respite and wondering why _Cosmo_ quizzes were never about impossible co-workers. He returned with the cold box.

"You could have shut the door" Eames complained. "The smell from the dump is terrible"

For a second Goren wondered whether this was a location for a homicide too good to be missed after all. Before he sniffed the air and then bent down by the front wheel for a closer look.

"Probably because you parked on top of a dead dog Eames. At least I assume it was dead first. Looks like a wirehaired fox terrier. Can't see enough of the legs to be sure"

"Hung! Ooo alost ut e ug his ate astomi eh eye"

"Excuse me?"

Eames swallowed "I said you almost put me off this great pastrami on rye"

"Only almost?"

"You know me when I start to eat"

"I do" he stuck in his hand and grabbed two sandwiches before they all vanished.

"And please don't suck the centre from the tomatoes Alex. You know it drives me crazy"

Fifteen minutes later Eames sounded like Hannibal Lector eating liver and kidney beans in slow motion with the last of the tomatoes. And Goren was sure he had strained somewhere inconvenient turning round in the confines of the SUV to put the box on the rear seat.

"We'll save the cheesecake for later"

"Okay. How about a game of truth or dare Bobby?"

"Does this involve me having to kiss you for a dare?" he asked suspiciously.

"Are you kidding?" yelped Eames. "After all that jalapeno salad you ate? I'd rather kiss the fox terrier"

"Okay then" he shrugged wiping his fingers on a towelette and placing it in the bag for trash.

"I'll let you go first and I'll take truth Goren"

"Were you really ordering things just for the bachelorette party?" he enquired at lightning speed.

"Shit!" yelped Eames.

Goren laughed, "Thought you got away with that one didn't you Alex?"

"Hmm…okay maybe not…and you can forget any supplementary questions too"

"I would not want to know. I'll take truth Eames. Some of us know what it is"

"Haha! So much to choose from" she stroked her chin in a contemplative manner.

"I know…since we are kind of on that subject…why did you and Joanna break up?"

Goren sighed deeply "Um…well I caught her cheating on me…with…with…um my partner at the time"

"Oh Bobby" breathed Eames. "I'm sorry…I…I shouldn't have asked. Old wounds and everything…"

She gave his knee a kindly pat "Maybe we should forget that idea?"

"And there's another reason. Look Eames"

Coming in their direction was a truck and they were supposed to be there helping SVU catch a bunch of sex-slave smugglers. Getting loaned out to them was another of Captain Ross' punishments for transgression and ways of getting back at the world for the hand his height genes had dealt him.

"Damn!" hissed Goren banging his head on the dash reaching for the camera.

"Ouch" he then hit his head getting out to take up position.

Meanwhile, Eames reached casually for the night vision field glasses slung round the rear-view and the clipboard in the door pocket, sustaining no injuries to herself.

Ten minutes later she returned from behind the burned out pick up to see Goren making some notes.

"I expect we now know how the fox terrier got here"

She shut the door "Not sure evidence of the _City Animal Shelter_ illegally disposing of unwanted dogs will get us back in the Captain's good books Bobby. Not the crime of the century"

"No that was the movie version of _Starsky and Hutch_"

"That's true" Eames agreed emphatically "But they did manage to find authentic fifteen inch slot mag rims for the _Gran Torino_ even though…"

"…_they don't make them any more_" they said in unison and with a smile at each other.

"It was that movie caused Ritchie and I to break up" she confessed.

"Probably a bad idea to mention the wheels Alex" Goren advised. "When a guy is trying to make a move in the back row it's not the most romantic encouragement"

"It wasn't that" she snorted. "It was Ritchie making moves on my coffee creams that was the problem. You remember? The ones you got me for my birthday. Such an inspired choice Goren"

"The box with the note that said _'fill me by next Wednesday'_ was a bit of a clue I must admit" he conceded. "You should have gone to the movie with me"

"Because you appreciate stuff like wheel rims?"

"That and I don't like coffee creams. Of course cherry or orange are a whole other thing"

"I'll try to remember that for your birthday. Try to remember to leave me a note. Same time as you work on where those keys are"

"How about you take the first nap Eames?" Goren muttered thinking it might shut her up on that subject for a while.

"Fine. Thanks"

Half an hour later she was having a dream about fifteen inch coffee creams when she felt something. Like fingers fluttering up her leg, round her inner thigh and then sliding under her jacket. Eames could not decide whether to tell Goren to cut it out or not to stop. But she did wonder why his finger brushing over her belly was cold and slightly damp. Until she opened her eyes.

"Aaaargh!" she screamed "Oh shit!"

She rolled from the SUV onto the ground. As Goren came around the side of the pick up.

One hand was dragging up his zipper and the other out his gun.

"What's up?" he called.

"You left that bloody door open again!" she barked at him "Now there's a rat in there!"

"Is that all Eames? Oh damn now look what you made me do…"

Alex glanced over to see him looking down to his left, then shaking his foot and flapping the leg of his pants.

"Serves you right" she muttered making no attempt to get back in the car.

"Where's that sponge?" he grouched raking round inside it.

"I expect the rat ate it when it failed to take a bite out of me"

"Found it" Goren announced gleefully.

He threw something aside, which hit the ground with a squeak and ran off. Then produced the sponge for his wet shoe and cuff of his pants. Eames got back in the SUV as Goren tried and failed miserably in her opinion, to summon a little dignity as he joined her.

"Now what are you doing?" she grumbled settling her jacket around her again.

Goren was messing with the angle of the door mirror beside him. Adjusting it downwards.

"Watching to see how long it takes the rats to eat this fox terrier" he said enthusiastically.

"And people wonder why you're still single Bobby"

_**AN:**__**What Bobby conveniently "forgot" to tell Alex about his failed romance with Joanna, was that his "love rat" partner was also a woman…and that he was sleeping with her too…it was bound to end in tears…theirs…when he said he wasn't interesting in wrestling with two women for control of the remote.**_


	4. The Phantom Mozarella

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…well okay then…but you have to take the end with the taps this time)_

_**Despite the mysterious disappearance of my cellmate I've earned some "good behaviour" time allowing me into the prison computer facility again…to be a little "naughty"…**_

**STAKEOUT IV: The Phantom Mozzarella**

As Eames got back into the car Goren hastily tossed _Cosmo_ on the dash.

"You were staring at the breast enlargement ads in the classifieds again weren't you?"

Her tone was accusatory as she shut the door.

"No" he lied glibly. "I was wondering whether I could carry off a pink all-in-one suit on the ski slopes this season"

"Oh I would think so Goren" she said. "It would match the colour your ears go in cold weather"

"If someone didn't keep losing their own hats and asking to borrow mine that wouldn't happen" he muttered, still not sure his head had de-frosted from yesterday.

Though they and the ME were still waiting for that to happen to the corpse found in the frozen park lake.

"Can we eat again now?" she enquired.

"No. I brought a picnic Eames, not the entire stock from _Macys_ food hall"

"Did you do chicken and mozzarella?"

"Uhuh"

"And beef on rye?"

"Yes I did" he gestured to the magazine. "And speaking of beef…I do wish you wouldn't answer the quiz in ink. If you'd done it in pencil and erased it, I would have been spared the knowledge of knowing how sexually adventurous you are"

Eames decided to tell the partial truth.

"I lied on some of the answers" she shrugged. "I always do"

"Halve the real number you mean" Goren snorted.

"As a matter of fact, no" his partner said airily. "I count one for every year since I was 18 and halve that" she grinned. "Just in case my Mom ever sees it"

"So you have done what you answered '_no way' _to in question four?"

"I didn't say that Goren" she hissed. "Bet you have though"

"Only in long-term and committed relationships Eames" he said rather sanctimoniously.

"Oh yeah?" Eames sounded sceptical. "You mean that's your story and you're sticking to it?"

"And taking the Fifth" he returned his pencil to his jacket. "You found the restrooms then?"

"Yes thanks. Your directions to go left at the Van Beek family mausoleum certainly saves time and avoids going round the back of the crematorium"

"Did you realise Eames? That they were the last people to die in a typhoid outbreak in New York?"

"I didn't stop to look Goren" she grouched. "I was in a hurry by then"

"I saw it in here" he waved the book he'd been reading earlier.

"Only you would bring _A Guide To The Historic Graveyards of New York_ on an overnight stakeout in a cemetery"

"Saved you the long way to the rest-rooms didn't it?" Goren shrugged. "And I might as well learn something since we are here. I'm also hoping to learn how you and Logan managed to _Superglue_ the Captain's office door shut. Which was what got us sent here in the first place"

"That was Mike's fault" Eames snapped. "Didn't have his contacts in, so muddled up the glue with a tube of something else he had in his drawer and it was you who complained most about the squeaky hinges"

"Knowing Logan I can guess the contents of the other tube" growled Goren. "And why that would have worked on the hinges"

Eames giggled. "And know what his answer to question four would be?"

"That too" he acknowledged. "Though I don't see why Wheeler and I should get punished for it as well"

"Perhaps Ross found out who it was put that filthy screen saver into his computer last month?" she suggested.

"Megan did that" he grinned at her. "I only gave her a copy of it"

"I wonder sometimes the sort of places your insatiable thirst for knowledge takes you Goren. That you would stumble on something like that in the first place"

"I didn't. Lewis e-mailed it to me. And I suppose things could be worse. They got three nights stakeout duty and at least we aren't cooped up in a tiny SUV this time" he glanced around. "It's really very comfortable and spacious in here"

"It's a hearse!" Eames exclaimed. "Whole thing creeps me out"

"You'll be telling me next you believe in ghosts Eames"

"Only if they look like Patrick Swayze"

"Maybe we'll see one later?" Goren mused. "Hauling a potters wheel and needing a hand with something soft, damp and pliable"

"Don't be disgusting Bobby" she giggled. "Though it is rather obvious and suggestive imagery in the movie. And _Everything I Do_ is a great song"

"That was Robin _Hood, Prince of Thieves_" Goren contradicted her. "That scene in _Ghost _was to _Unchained Melody_"

"You sure?"

"Get out the laptop if you don't believe me"

"No I expect you are right. You usually are Bobby" she grudged.

"Aha Eames" he pounced gleefully on her response. "So you checked did you? That I was right last week? About _Love Is All Around Us_ being from _Four Weddings_ and not _Notting Hill_ like you said?"

"What if I did?" she conceded ungraciously. "What I didn't work out yet Goren, is how come you are such an all fire expert on every chick flick they ever brought out? You know _Pretty Woman_ better than any woman I know"

"I probably saw it more often than any woman you know" he reached for the coffee flask.

"Why? Did you get the tape stuck in your VCR?" she teased him.

"No" he handed her a cup. "Just there are certain movies it sometimes pays to rent when you invite a woman round. That, her favourite take out and pretending to cry at a suitable moment in an _in-touch-with-your-feminine-side_ way. Usually works"

Eames waited for him to pour. "Where_ works _means she takes out the trash when she leaves in the morning? While you are still sleeping it off with a silly smile on your face?"

"Can't speak to the silly smile but you get the idea" Goren shrugged and sipped the coffee.

"Dirty dog" she murmured then grinned. "Does it ever occur to you when you're…um…doing the stuff between the credits and falling asleep she's probably fantasising about Richard Gere?"

"Sure"

"And that wouldn't bother you?" she squawked incredulously.

"Why should it Eames? I sometimes think about Julia Roberts"

"Blah!" she spat and spluttered on the coffee "See?? That's a difference between men and women right there!!"

"You mean it's okay for women to do but they reserve the right to feel hurt and get snippy? If they think for one moment a guy just might be doing the same thing?"

Eames was silent for a long moment. "Let's change the subject"

"Now why doesn't that surprise me?" Goren murmured.

"I can still detect that strange smell in here you know"

"Probably the mozzarella"

"Just so long as you told the truth earlier Goren" Eames warned. "That the coffin behind us isn't a used one and that it's empty"

Goren glanced at her. "Well empty, strictly speaking, wouldn't be true Eames. That's where I put the picnic"

She took a deep breath to stop herself from screaming and managed to say in a calm tone. "Of course. Where else would you put it?"

"Knew you'd see it that way. It's quite useful actually. There are also some blankets, the _Giant Games Compendium_, my complete Shakespeare, a torch and a couple of pillows in there"

"Pillows?" she frowned. "Do you plan on moving the coffin out onto the kerb and bedding down on the bier? Expect me to have driven you to Transylvania before sunrise?"

"Just thought since we had the room we might as well nap in comfort" he emptied the coffee dregs out the window.

"Very thoughtful of you Goren"

"You're welcome" he replied, thinking it probably best not to tell Eames just yet.

_That he'd borrowed the pillows from the funeral home when he collected the hearse. Maybe she wouldn't notice or assume some of his linen at home was white frilly satin? The sort he might put on the bed the nights when he rented "Little Miss Sunshine"._

"Does the box of games include chutes and ladders?" Eames asked.

"Yeah. And tiddlywinks" Bobby glanced round. "Enough room in here if we shift the coffin to play"

"We are not playing that Goren!" Eames snapped. "Not after what happened last time"

"That was an accident" he insisted. "I'm sure Stabler wasn't aiming his wink to end down the front of your shirt"

"No. Just the ones with his eyes" she muttered. "Bet your face still stings where Liv slapped you"

"That was a misunderstanding Eames. How was I to know when I asked her to hold my squidger, Benson wasn't well versed in the terminology of the game? And would jump to a hasty and wrong conclusion"

"Could have been worse Goren" she sniggered. "She could have used her knee where she thought you meant"

"That's true. And by the way I won't be at the games evening at _O'Reilly's_ next month"

"Don't want to risk drawing Liv as a partner again?"

"No. While you were gone I managed to book a cabin in Vail for that week from a place they mentioned in _Cosmo_"

"And rent _Pretty Woman_ every night for après-ski I suppose?"

"No" he replied.

"Aha!!" said Eames gleefully. "I suspect a booking for two. So you got that all sewn up. And Goren? Who is she? Do I know her? How long has this been going on? What does she do? Is this serious? And where the hell are you going?"

"To get the picnic" he called knowing there was only one guaranteed way to shut his partner up. Temporarily.

Twenty minutes later Goren was making a note in his folder that read, _"Never make minestrone soup for stakeout duty again"_. The noises Eames made sieving the vegetables between her teeth were almost as infuriating as the sucking noise on tomatoes eventually stopped him bringing them. But at least eating diverted her attention from his private life, for which he'd had very different plans that night. Until Ross got trapped in his office.

"I'm sorry about the mozzarella Eames" he said as she finished the last of the soup. "Something must have distracted me when I was making the sandwiches."

"Never mind Goren. The chicken was still good and…hang about…is that someone moving over there?"

"Where?" he peered out into the darkness.

"There" she tossed the soup dish, fortunately empty, into his lap and grabbed for the night vision field glasses.

"What can you see?" Goren enquired.

"Two people…going round by the mausoleum…nah it's just a couple of kids I think…yeah girl and a boy…not our targets"

"Two guesses what they are here for" he said starting to tidy away their supper. "If you need that many"

Eames shrugged. "Probably got that book like yours. Looking for the last resting place of the last people to die in a cholera epidemic"

"Typhoid" he corrected automatically. "Last cholera victims are in The Bronx"

"Figures" she muttered looking through the glasses again. "And it looks like it's the second thing after all"

"Stop it!" he snapped. "Would you have wanted someone spying on you…you know"

"I've got family in this graveyard Goren. That could be my great, great, great auntie's grave marker they plan to get jiggy on"

Goren laughed. "So he'll have _Edna Eames RIP_ embossed backwards on his butt for a few days"

"What makes you think she won't?"

"Because a graveyard is usually the best way of getting a girl to…well never mind" he trailed off. "I gave you enough insight into male machinations for one night"

His partner was silent for a long moment before Eames said. "And there was me thinking Andy Wicks was just being considerate and saving me from a damp gravestone the night of the Christmas Dance. And if you snigger Goren I won't just get hold of your favourite squidger, I'll cut it off"

The threat was enough as Goren tidied away the picnic and got the box of games from the coffin.

"Hah!! I win again" smirked Eames a while later.

"You do realise there is absolutely no skill to winning Chutes and Ladders, Eames?" Goren scoffed as she beat him for the third time.

"Who cares?" she grinned. "I won"

"I'm just saying it's dumb luck"

"Perhaps it's dumb luck not _Pretty Woman_ works for you as well. So who is this woman you are taking to Vail?"

"Why do you assume it's a woman Eames?"

"Because whatever your answer to Question 8 might have been in the _Cosmo_ quiz I don't believe you are that sexually adventurous Goren" she muttered.

He wasn't about to tell his partner anything on that subject. Strange rumours about him had an odd way of circulating at 1PP Goren had never tracked down the sources for. So he told the truth.

"It's two women going with me" he said. "And before you get any ideas it's my cousin Elaine and her daughter Polly. They could use the break"

"I expect so Bobby. Ugly divorces are like that. Is it all settled yet?"

"Near enough. Just the set of pastry forks to split" he glanced at his watch. "You want to take the first nap?"

"Only if you lift that thing out first"

"There's plenty of room Eames" he muttered.

"Well spoons with a coffin might be your idea of nocturnal bliss Goren but it ain't mine. And don't eat the rest of that cheesecake while I'm sleeping"

Goren got out of the hearse with a glance at a couple of freshly dug graves ready for morning and beginning to rehearse plausible explanations to give Ross. For why his partner hadn't shown up for work.

An hour later Eames had not asked where the pillows came from and Goren now knew the location of every plague pit in New York. You never knew when such information could be useful when you worked _Major Case. _He'd just got to the resting places of the last people to be burned for witchcraft and executed for bestiality when Eames began to stir and mutter on the bier behind him. He was making a mental note to check in the _Law Library_ on the last prosecution for _"unnatural congress with an animal"_ as his partner slid out and came back round to the front.

"Good sleep?" he enquired as she shut the door rubbing her eyes.

"Not bad. Though it's the first time I woke with something long and hard sticking in my back to realise it was the rail that stops a coffin sliding about" she muttered.

"You sound disappointed Eames" he said switching off his reading torch.

"Could be. You don't know some of…well never mind" Eames reached for the coffee flask. "Want any?"

"No thanks. Had some a while back"

"You know I can still smell something in here Bobby. A bit like old socks?"

"Well don't look at me. These were clean on this evening" he protested.

"I'm not suggesting it is. You may have feet the size of a Staten Island ferry and a weird habit of sitting with your shoes off sometimes. But your feet never smell. If they did I'd bring _Superglue_ to be sure you kept them on"

Goren decided not to say where his first use for adhesive might be on nights like this.

"What's that Goren?" Eames suddenly asked.

"It's a vase"

"I can see that" she growled, wondering if those freshly dug graves nearby might come in useful before the night was out.

"What's it doing in the car?"

"I was using it to help prop up my reading torch"

"You took that off someone's grave didn't you?"

"No" he lied. "While you were sleeping Patrick Swayze dropped by. Think he may have awakened in me a hidden talent for pottery"

"What did you do?" Eames picked it up. "Go stoke up the crematorium furnace to fire it?"

"Knew you'd work that out" he shrugged.

"You could have tipped the water out Goren"

"What makes you so sure it's water? I couldn't go off and leave you asleep now could I? We are supposed to be on stakeout duty"

Eames shoved the vase in his hand as liquid slopped in its depths. "Go put it back Goren. Now!"

Twenty minutes later Eames was rolling her eyes as behind her Goren was snuggled up to the coffin, snoring occasionally and then mumbling, "_You know you want to baby"_. Luckily that's where it ended or she might have had to go find that vase and tip the contents over him. Whatever was really inside it. She'd just taken a pencil of his she found on the dash to complete the _Cosmo_ quiz with honest answers, when Goren yelped.

"What's the matter?"

"I've got my hand stuck in one of the coffin handles Eames"

"Not surprised the kind of dreams you seem to have Goren" she said turning the pages.

"I'm not joking. My hand is stuck. You think you could help me?"

"Rub some mayo round your wrist" she yawned.

There were some noises and muttering before Goren yelled _"Aaargh"_ again.

"Now what Bobby?"

"I rolled in something sticky"

"Told you about that dream"

"Don't be disgusting" he muttered and then after a pause said "Eames? I think I may have found the mozzarella"

_**AN :**__** Bobby's cousin decided to go to Hawaii for her vacation but the restraining order prevents me saying who did go with him to Vile…I mean Vail….**_


	5. Ocean's Two

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I may come from the same country as the guy who paints sweaty, naked people but I don't want one in the kitchen...and before nine am)_

**STAKEOUT V : Ocean's Two**

"Ha" said Logan as he got back into the vehicle "Beat you by two inches"

Goren was trying to shove a magazine out of sight "Must be all that coffee you drank earlier"

"Need to do something to stay awake. Stakeout duty two nights in a row. And with you"

"Don't pout Mike. It doesn't suit you. And this wasn't my idea of spending the night in a confined space with one other person either" Goren muttered "We agreed last night it was both our faults. Equally to blame"

Logan snorted "And we did wait a long time for Ross to get something right. What I didn't expect was that he'd even recognise the, that...leaning...standing...what was it again?"

"The _bending mongoose, leaping cobra_ position"

"All that time in the Far East wasn't totally wasted on you then" sniggered Logan.

Goren yawned "The fact he knew it might explain why the only wife he has is an ex. And that reminds me. Have you got your share of the money for replacing the _Barbie_?"

"Yeah" Logan counted off some notes "Shame we couldn't get her straightened out Bobby"

"I did warn you at the time her legs were not that flexible. Just be glad _GI Joe's_ are real action figures with fully rotating joints"

"Bet it's the last time we get asked to clear out the old evidence boxes"

"The mistake, Mike, was leaving them on his desk"

"Oh let's not go all round that one again Bobby" advised Logan.

They had spent part of last night bickering about who forgot to remove their little tableau. Which had included a thankfully undamaged _Ken_ about to shoot himself with one of the things, apart from his clothes, that _GI Joe_ had discarded. It was just as well Goren had been unable to locate any _Superglue._ Otherwise they might have found themselves doing three nights on stakeout.

"Is that the latest _Cosmo_ you got there?"

Goren knew there was little point in pretending otherwise.

"Uhuh. Eames is always leaving them in the car" he responded.

Fervently hoping as Logan snatched it, that he would not notice the mailing label with his name and address.

"I expect she wanted to get a few ideas from this article Bobby. _Co-Worker To Co-Habitee In Ten Easy Moves_"

"I think she already tried most of them but it pays to be prepared"

Goren returned to his crossword puzzle as Logan flicked through, pausing only at the underwear and breast enlargement ads where, for some inexplicable reason, the pages seemed to fall open so easily. Then he almost fainted at the sight of Mike with a pen in his hand. The last time that must have happened was when John Elway was quarterbacking the _Broncos_. And Logan running numbers for a local bookie.

"Checking off your symptoms Mike?" he enquired casually.

"No I'm not" Logan snapped.

"_Irritability_ is one of them you know"

"I didn't get that far yet"

"It's on the next page" said Goren wishing immediately the words had not come out of his mouth and he could quit being a smart ass occasionally.

He doubted even Logan would miss that slip.

"Okay so don't try to make out you didn't read this article on _Male Menopause"_

"I forget"

"Huh" snorted Logan making a check mark "_Impaired memory_. You must have missed that one. Perhaps because you are also experiencing _poor concentration_"

"I'm not the one can't remember the name of his partner" retorted Goren

"If yours changed as often as mine you'd struggle too pal"

"I wish" sighed Goren hoping Eames was not going to try _No. 9_ in that other article. "But I wouldn't mistake a woman for Lenny Briscoe"

"I was hungover" muttered Logan "My girlfriend had also dumped me. I expect you forgot that too"

"You'd better score yourself for _depression_...aaargh...what the heck was that?" yelped Goren pulling his feet off the floor.

"I dunno"

"It's small and hairy"

"That's what my ex used to say" said Logan sadly but without thinking.

_Could it be his own concentration was a little lacking?_

Goren bent down carefully. Very carefully because he wasn't sure the sudden movement had not given him a nasty strain in a place no guy wants one. Whatever his age. But his concern for matters below his belt led him to neglect the parts of him above it. And he banged his head on the dash as he reached out.

_Could it be his own concentration was a little lacking?_

He sat up resisting the urge to rub anything.

"I think this must be yours" he said loftily.

Logan snatched the _Wookie_ out of Goren's hand.

"Thought my neighbour's kid might like it" he said quickly.

He was not about to tell Goren he'd been looking for one for years to complete his set.

"Doubt it" Goren shrugged "His generation is the one thinks Jar Jar Binks is cool"

"No-one thinks Jar Jar Binks is cool. And neither are you Bobby squealing like that over a...a stupid toy on the floor"

"You'd better add _nervousness_ to my range of symptoms then"

"Thanks. I will. And _fatigue_. You went out like a light around three this morning"

"I guess you would know Mike. _Insomnia_ being on that list I mean"

There was silence as Logan read on and Goren wriggled experimentally in his seat.

"What are Leydig cells Bobby?"

"Not sure of their function. Just know where they are and I feel I might have just killed off a few thousand"

Logan glanced across and down.

"Oh I see. Well if you want to do a little origami down there don't mind me"

Goren didn't and wondered not for the first time whether another guy as a partner might not be a good idea. Logan hadn't complained about the smell of the fried onions on his hot dog last night and he had no problem with Mike dealing with the consequences of the pepperoni pizza without the aid of antacid.

"I think you meant to say feng shui by the way. Origami is paper folding"

"It's also the name of that massage parlour on Houston"

"Oh I know the one" replied Goren "Did you ever...they...if I say the words _tea ceremony_?"

"Oh yeah. Could have used fully rotating joints myself" grinned Logan "So what's feng shui?"

"Alignment or arrangement of objects in the most auspicious way"

"Well now you got your auspices re-aligned Bobby did you remember? You know? What we talked about last night?"

Goren thought for a moment. Pre season training had been a welcome change from pre menstrual tension and with Logan discussion had centred on their _All Time All Star _starting rotation. On his last stakeout with Eames he endured three hours of essentially one sided debate on whether she should paint her living room _"taupe"_ (whatever that was), _"cafe au lait" _or _"caramel"_. To him and to any other man they would all look the same...light brown. Though saying so had been very inauspicious and a smack upside of his head with a handful of colour charts was surprisingly painful.

"Carter, Hernandez, Backman, Knight, Santana, Foster, Dykstra, Strawberry" he reeled off.

"Excuse me"

"Forget it" shrugged Goren "Just open the window a little"

"No I haven't...that wasn't excuse me as in _'excuse me!' _it was excuse me as in _'excuse me?_"

Goren sniffed hard a couple of times "Oh yeah. What were you saying?"

Logan ticked the boxes under Bobby's name for _impaired memory_ and _poor concentration_ once again.

"Why were you listing the starting line up for the _86 Mets_?"

"That's what we were talking about and whether we'll see them win another _World Series_ in our lifetimes"

"No not that Bobby. Later. After we agreed _Superman_ versus _Batman_ would be a tie and they'd both kick _Spiderman's_ ass"

"Oh yes" Goren intoned "Yes I checked to be sure. One hundred and thirty-seven"

"What!" yelped Logan "That can't be and I'm the one they say is...you are kidding me Goren?"

"I'm not. One three seven. Of course a few are past their best now and I guess like you there are some favourites I find myself taking out over and over again"

Logan chuckled "You dog. I'm not surprised you are menopausal. Must be just auspicious you've got any testosterone left"

"Excuse me"

"Forget it. I'll open a..."

"No!" Goren paused a moment "No...maybe...no I'm certain it's no. I meant excuse me in the sense of what in the hell do you think I'm talking about?"

"The number of women you've...you know?"

Logan's elbow in the ribs was minor discomfort compared to those wretched colour charts.

"I was talking about the number of ties in my closet Mike" Goren said with a tone of long suffering patience. "That came after the superhero thing and before barfing"

The great thing about all this male bonding was the fascinating things they were at last getting to talk about. Eames and whoever Logan was partnered with this week would have had no interest in hearing about the first time they drank so much they were sick. All the details about how old they were, what and how much and what the unfortunate target was.

"Sorry" said Logan marking down another check in his own _impaired memory_ box. Before he forgot.

Though he did have to concede with twelve, a bottle of cherry brandy and the font, Bobby had been an outright winner on that one.

"Anyway the bedpost notches came after that and you still didn't say"

"I fell asleep counting them" shrugged Goren "Now if you'll excuse me?"

Logan reached for the window control then realised Goren was getting out of the car. He continued reading. Guessing that Bobby would know right off what _dehydroepiandosterone_ was and wondering if having diminishing amounts at their age might not be a good thing after all.

Outside Goren's useful little flashlight confirmed Mike had exceeded his own chalk mark on the wall from last night. With a little care and concentration however, he should have no difficulty beating their shared record for distance marked out on the concrete.

_**AN :**__ Bobby can't remember now why he was sweaty and naked before nine am. Let's just say it cured my irritability and insomnia and left me fatigued._


	6. VI : Ocean's Three

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…it's not an environment friendly lawn mower...it's a goat...now take it back where you found it)_

_**STAKEOUT VI : Ocean's Three**_

_**23.00**_

"You were the one who hired a stripper to crash into a room at 1PP, not me"

Logan turned in his seat "But it was you who told her the meeting was in Room 6, Bobby. When it was actually in Room 9"

"It was in 6 and yesterday I found out what went wrong. Building maintenance put new numbers on the doors. There was a mix up"

"Oh great. _Erica the E Cup Exhibitionist_ shook her booty at Chief of Police and the Mayor because some dumbass got the room numbers wrong"

"Not wrong" said Goren "Upside down. The guy has dyscalculia. It's like dyslexia only with numbers. A learning disability"

"He'll be on permanent disability if I get hold of him" growled Logan "I had plans for this week..."

"With Erica?" enquired Goren mildly.

"No her sister. _Connie the C Cup Contortionist_"

"C is plenty big enough"

"You think?" mused Logan "Anyway I was just joking, but I did have better things to do than spend three nights on stakeout with you two"

"It's him I feel sorry for" Bobby gestured out of the window into the darkness.

"Yeah" conceded Mike "Never got his birthday surprise, but I don't see why he got punished. He knew nothing about it until it was all over"

"His mistake was saying he was sorry he missed it and did the Chief get a note of Erica's number"

The rear door opened and Danny Ross jumped in.

"Beat you both" he announced with some jubilation.

"Hope you marked the wall with the chalk boss" said Logan "Only it's a warm night"

_**Midnight**_

"They stopped you being an altar boy because of that?" asked Ross incredulously.

"Well I had snuck into the confessional and it was during Catechism classes" shrugged Goren

Logan snorted with laughter "I don't suppose you would get it boss, not being a Catholic I mean"

"Don't be too sure Mike. When my Mom caught me doing it..."

"_Every boy's Mom catches him_" said Goren and Logan in unison.

"I didn't tell you the rest" Ross went on "One time I was in the pool house at my Aunt Dora's house. Mom comes in, sees what I'm doing and yells..._enough already that you are doing this Danny, but on Shabbat and when we're sitting shiva for your Uncle Manny_?"

The other two laughed at their Captain's impression of an outraged Jewish mother.

"Logan? Your turn" said Goren.

"Fourteen and sent to wait in the Principal's office I got kind of bored"

"Props for location" acknowledged Goren "Was it the Principal who found you?"

"No the janitor"

"What did he say?" frowned Ross.

"Dunno" replied Logan "I ran like hell and so would you if you knew the weird janitor at my High School"

_**01.09**_

"_Kermit The Frog?"_ scoffed Goren.

"What's wrong with that?" shrugged Mike "You're just pissed you didn't get it Bobby"

"Maybe but who would? When you said _yes_ to..._are you a reptile_?"

"I didn't"

"Yes you did. I know because I asked that question" muttered Ross from the back.

"And a frog is an amphibian not a reptile" Goren added.

Logan was unrepentant "Want another game?"

"_No_" said the other two in petulant unison.

_**01.45**_

"A seventy five _Cutluss _is not all that special boss" said Goren.

"No it isn't" agreed Danny Ross "But you were never in the back seat with Sandy Schneider. If I said _Harley, tailpipe_ and _chrome_?"

"_Aaaaaah_" said the other two slowly, understanding immediately one of Ms Schneider's attributes.

"Bobby?"

"A _Bentley Continental_"

"Wow" said Mike "How did you swing that?"

"She worked for a car dealership" he laughed softly "And what's more the car was in the showroom window on Fifth Avenue. One New Year's Eve"

"Not sure I can beat that for location but..." Mike grinned "The hood of a ninety six _Lamborghini Diablo_?"

"Makes me...just thinking about it" purred Ross.

"So I win?"

"Not so fast" said Goren "Was the hood still hot from the engine?"

"It was by the time we were done"

"You never said where Mike"

"No boss" he paused "It was in the vehicle impound yard..."

"Our one?" squawked Ross "At _1PP_?"

"No of course not. Staten Island"

"Oh that's okay then" Ross sighed with relief.

_**02.13**_

Ross opened the large box next to him.

"Wow! I mean like sheesh" he exploded "This isn't stakeout snacks...it's a veritable feast"

"One of the few things which make a stakeout bearable" said Logan "Bobby's picnic"

Ross quit rummaging "Boy you even did kosher. Bobby I'm really impressed"

Goren said nothing. He'd never received that sort of praise for the number of killers, robbers, kidnappers and all round fiends he'd brought to book since Ross took over as Captain.

"How did you get so good at this?" asked Ross.

"I've had a lot of practice in the last couple of years...sir" Goren muttered.

It went kind of quiet in the back for a while.

_**03.00**_

"Huh? W...w...what?"

Goren woke suddenly from his snooze.

"Breast or leg?" asked Ross.

"What's? Who?"

He was fuddled but sure something must be happening.

"Breast or leg?" insisted the Captain.

"Leg if it's not too thick, breast if it's firm" Goren replied gathering some of his wits.

"Hardly unique there then" observed Logan "But if you could only pick one?"

Goren thought a moment "Leg. So long as there's onion gravy"

Ross laughed "We were not discussing turkey at Thanksgiving Bobby"

"Oh...um...I see...let me think about that..."

"You're not supposed to think about it Bobby" complained Mike "Come on? What's the first thing about a woman you look at?"

"Her ass"

_**03.35**_

Goren sounded exasperated "Mike...you have to go with Unitas"

In his heart Logan knew Bobby was right. They had agreed four on their list of five greatest they ever saw, with no trouble. _Montana, Elway, Marino and Young._ But Ross had put up a good argument for Bart Starr and had something else in his favour...the final say on the leave roster.

"Let me take some time on that. Meanwhile, let's move on to the current era. I take it everyone is happy with Tom Brady?"

"_Yes"_ said Ross and Goren in tandem.

"Rothlesberger?" suggested Ross.

"Agreed" said Bobby as Mike made a third check mark by that name.

"We have to consider Drew Brees" said Ross.

"I'm not so sure" said Goren "The name has never convinced me"

"How do you mean?" asked Ross.

"With a name like Brees would you let your kid be known as Drew? It's like _Mr & Mrs Wind_ calling their son _Passing_"

The other two sniggered before Goren spoke again "How about Tony Romo?"

"I think he and Brees are dependent on what we decide about the Manning boys" mused Ross "Are we going to allow both?"

"Peyton would have to be in" muttered Logan "Though he scores nothing for looks in my book...boy was he hit hard with the ugly stick...and more than once...on the other hand Eli...is not a bad..."

He trailed off conscious of Goren shifting subtly to the far side of the vehicle and Ross' startled expression.

_**04.35**_

"Yeah" said Goren quietly "Once. She was smart, we were a great team and she had cute face with the kind of dark eyes a man could drown in"

"Was this in the Army?" asked Ross.

"Uhuh. Germany. Soon as I saw her I knew we were meant to be together. We had some...some wonderful times. We used to walk for hours in the pine forests. Spent every night together for almost a year. I fell in love with Mandy and I know she loved me"

Danny and Mike gave each other a glance. Neither had expected the topic of _"Partners I Slept With"_ to result in this kind of emotional and wistful revelation from Goren.

"She had a look...you know...the kind that just tells you she wants to play around. Used to tire me out, still be wanting more and some mornings I would wake up to find her under the covers licking..."

"What happened?" asked Mike quickly.

"I got posted Stateside" Goren sighed "Took me a long time to get over Mandy"

"You never saw her again?"

"No. She went into the sniffer dog breeding programme. Had three or four litters..._aaargh._..shit that hurt" he rubbed the back of his head.

"Made me feel a lot better" muttered Ross tossing a rolled up copy of _Sports Illustrated_ onto the seat beside him.

_**05.15**_

The rear door opened and Ross got out into the light of the rising sun.

"Just off to see if I can improve on my lead" he said cheerfully "Strange...I thought you two would be better opposition"

As he headed in the direction of the wall Goren turned to Logan.

"Mike? You are holding back aren't you? To let him win?"

"Of course"

"That's okay then...only I did wonder if maybe you..."

"Nah everything's just fine thanks Bobby" grinned Logan "I may not know the difference between a reptile and an amphibian, but I do know I don't want to be back on stakeout duty next week"

"Me neither. I've got Subway Series tickets"

_**AN: **__The goat is gone...but...can anyone offer a good home to three sheep?_


End file.
